Goals

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. 

-jimmy dean

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the directions I want my life to take. I have had no plan. Too much to do makes me overwhelmed and too little to do makes me feel the same way. I have been sober now for almost 5 months. The struggles that I currently face are the hatred for sobriety. It is a love/hate. I am grateful for my sobriety..but I am resentful of the life I have currently created.

 I have found that I am back in a comfort zone of lonliness and misery. It is self-inflicted, of course. I have always been comfortable with the same routine, the same pain, and the same direction.

It is hard to put into words how I feel..but I shall try. Instead of moving forward in my program, utilizing my AA tools, getting active, meeting new people, etc..I have slipped back into a routine of lonliness and an attitude that, "well I guess this is what sobriety is all about..better get used to it."  As a former heavy drinker, I got used to the pain of the way people treated me, broken relationships, fair-weather friendships and it made no difference to me. It is all I knew. I just drank and temporarily the problems were solved.  At least, I thought they were.

Now, sober and trying to move forward, it is a whole different story. The urge to drink has subsided, but the empty feelings, the lonliness have kicked in full force lately. I have allowed myself to slip back into my old ways. The only difference is, I am not drinking.  Some would say, that is a big deal. It is not. The no drinking is good, yes...but the behaviors I have taken on lately and thoughts are not productive nor are they healthy.

I find myself resenting AA. I feel like I belong to a group that doesn't have fun, that is secluded from my old friends, my old ways and life patterns.

I sometimes feel if I submerge myself in too deep into my program, then I have no excuse when I fuck up or have thoughts of drinking, or self-sabotaging behaviors. I sometimes find myself afraid to be OKAY...afraid to be relieved of fear and afraid to rely on my higher power for protection and peace. I linger in the lonliness and negative thoughts because in a sick way, it is comfortable. It has a very big safety net for me.

When I know I should go to a meeting, is when I stay home for days and days and do NOT go. I am learning the hard way but I always have. I have always allowed myself to be beat to almost death until I realized ENOUGH is ENOUGH. My threshold for pain is very high..mostly for self-inflicted mental abuse.

I skipped meetings for 12 days recently. That did a huge toll on my mental health and sanity. I realize this. I went to a meeting yesterday. I felt so rejuvenated, refreshed and ready to tackle new goals, get back into my program full force and make more changes to better myself. The only way for me to fully recover is to get out of my head. Reach out. Help out. Stop my mental chatter. Stop the pity parties. Stop the ISOLATION.

I have to keep in mind that people will always let me down..my higher power will not.

I have all the tools I need to get out of this mental mess...I just have to do it. For me, a plan is needed and needs to be put into action as well.

My plan of action is this:

Have a daily GOAL list (can just be as simple as go to a meeting, go to the gym, etc.)
Go to at least THREE meetings a week
Reach out to someone daily in or out of my program-see how they are doing..how is THEIR life

Have a MONTHLY Goal list:

OCTOBER:
Find a small race to run
Find a place to volunteer and commit to it
Get a service commitment in my program
2 days a week change up my workout routine (cardio)
Attend 3 meetings weekly
Meet up with someone in/out of program once a week


That is all I have for now....