2010 CHRISTMAS
Haley and I
This was NOT easy getting pics of her in the hat..She was not a happy camper...what so ever...so this is the best I could do.
Merry Christmas everyone!
HAPPY HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL MY GLORIOUS FRIENDS!!!
From Haley and I!!!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
2010 Has been full of GROWTH and wisdom for my SOUL
1. I cannot wait til the next day because I am so excited about my workout that I have planned.
2. I spend my entire monthly gift card at Target ONLY in the fitness section.
3. Getting a new pair of running shoes is more exciting than jeans.
4. Doug at the front desk of my gym says, "See ya again at noon."
5. I ask for Glutamine/whey protein/vitamins for Christmas...and I actually find those gifts EXCITING (stock up time).
6. I wear normal clothes/hair down at my gas station..the clerk says, "Never seen you with your hair down or jeans on. Did you get your hair done?" (always in gym gear) haha.
7. My girlfriends who I out-weighed by 32lbs this time LAST YEAR ask me to "train them."
8. I call people to see how THEY are doing.
9. I am inspired daily by new people..rather than being irritated that they aren't like me.
10. When I think of eating "bad"..I think how long it will take to burn it off (at times..other times I just GO FOR IT!) :) haha
12. Weekends consist of hikes/jogs/dog walks/reading/writing instead of the bars/parties/tailgates/hangove
rs.
13. I am home right now on a Friday night writing this..and not slamming vodka or stressing out about "what's going on tonight."
14. I get more out of a conversation with my best friend than I ever have in my life. I truly look forward to hearing and absorbing her wisdom.
15. My mom and I enjoyed our FIRST Thanksgiving together here in Arizona..where I cared about her visit...and put HER FIRST..not my plans/my life/my agenda.
16. I never have to wonder what I spent last night.
17. I thank God that I have gotten through things as a stronger woman..not just barely surviving as a victim.
18. I take responsibility now for all that I get in my life and all that I give out.
19. I enjoy being alone now.
20. I am more responsible with other people's feelings and how I interact with others.
21. My dad is proud of me..*always has been..but can focus his energy on his love for me...and the worry over my destructive behaviors has dissipated.
22. I respect myself. The hate for myself has slowly gone away..it slips up on occasion but I can catch it and face my fears.
23. I embrace change a lot better than I have in the past.
24. I enjoy new people. It's not all about me anymore.
25. I smile...and I MEAN IT. My soul smiles. I am not covering up any shame or fear/s. If they come up..I deal with them head on. I walk through fear...not around it.
26. I am not obsessed with a number on the scale, or being thinner, or getting more this or more that..It's super fun to have challenges, but I can honestly say I am completely happy with how I look. That is a FIRST!
27. I realized over this past year that I am capable of being loved. It is a HUGE hurdle to overcome..I am not 100% believing it every second of every waking moment..but I know it's true..
28. I AM NOT A VICTIM.
29. My patience has grown immensely.
30. My driving has drastically improved. I have taken the need to rush everywhere out of my life. It is OKAY to get there a little bit later and arrive SAFE.
31. I bite my tongue more often.
32. I have learned to forgive...starting with forgiving MYSELF for all the self-hatred and abuse.
33. I have gained real friendships.
34. I am learning to trust my own intuition. It's always been there..but I have abandoned it for many years.
35. I thoroughly enjoy taking my beloved (my dog Haley) on hikes/jogs/walks..Her joy is enough to do it over and over again..no matter how tired or lazy I feel. '
36. I take pictures of landscape/sunsets/trees..thing
s that never mattered much to me before.
37. When I catch myself judging someone...I ask myself what is it about me that I am insecure about or afraid of.
38. I am not about getting even anymore. After a circumstance, I reflect and wonder what I could do to change it for the future. What can I change in myself to have better outcomes.
39. I write constantly.
40. I love love love love this year. It has brought about many victories and tons of self-exploration. A change will do ya good..and I am ever so grateful for my sobriety and the experience to really examine myself. I am far from "there"..but I am a work in progress..and I love learning and going back in time..forgiving myself for the past and learning how to create a better future.
MOST IMPORTANTLY..I have a relationship with my God of my understanding.
2. I spend my entire monthly gift card at Target ONLY in the fitness section.
3. Getting a new pair of running shoes is more exciting than jeans.
4. Doug at the front desk of my gym says, "See ya again at noon."
5. I ask for Glutamine/whey protein/vitamins for Christmas...and I actually find those gifts EXCITING (stock up time).
6. I wear normal clothes/hair down at my gas station..the clerk says, "Never seen you with your hair down or jeans on. Did you get your hair done?" (always in gym gear) haha.
7. My girlfriends who I out-weighed by 32lbs this time LAST YEAR ask me to "train them."
8. I call people to see how THEY are doing.
9. I am inspired daily by new people..rather than being irritated that they aren't like me.
10. When I think of eating "bad"..I think how long it will take to burn it off (at times..other times I just GO FOR IT!) :) haha
12. Weekends consist of hikes/jogs/dog walks/reading/writing instead of the bars/parties/tailgates/hangove
rs.
13. I am home right now on a Friday night writing this..and not slamming vodka or stressing out about "what's going on tonight."
14. I get more out of a conversation with my best friend than I ever have in my life. I truly look forward to hearing and absorbing her wisdom.
15. My mom and I enjoyed our FIRST Thanksgiving together here in Arizona..where I cared about her visit...and put HER FIRST..not my plans/my life/my agenda.
16. I never have to wonder what I spent last night.
17. I thank God that I have gotten through things as a stronger woman..not just barely surviving as a victim.
18. I take responsibility now for all that I get in my life and all that I give out.
19. I enjoy being alone now.
20. I am more responsible with other people's feelings and how I interact with others.
21. My dad is proud of me..*always has been..but can focus his energy on his love for me...and the worry over my destructive behaviors has dissipated.
22. I respect myself. The hate for myself has slowly gone away..it slips up on occasion but I can catch it and face my fears.
23. I embrace change a lot better than I have in the past.
24. I enjoy new people. It's not all about me anymore.
25. I smile...and I MEAN IT. My soul smiles. I am not covering up any shame or fear/s. If they come up..I deal with them head on. I walk through fear...not around it.
26. I am not obsessed with a number on the scale, or being thinner, or getting more this or more that..It's super fun to have challenges, but I can honestly say I am completely happy with how I look. That is a FIRST!
27. I realized over this past year that I am capable of being loved. It is a HUGE hurdle to overcome..I am not 100% believing it every second of every waking moment..but I know it's true..
28. I AM NOT A VICTIM.
29. My patience has grown immensely.
30. My driving has drastically improved. I have taken the need to rush everywhere out of my life. It is OKAY to get there a little bit later and arrive SAFE.
31. I bite my tongue more often.
32. I have learned to forgive...starting with forgiving MYSELF for all the self-hatred and abuse.
33. I have gained real friendships.
34. I am learning to trust my own intuition. It's always been there..but I have abandoned it for many years.
35. I thoroughly enjoy taking my beloved (my dog Haley) on hikes/jogs/walks..Her joy is enough to do it over and over again..no matter how tired or lazy I feel. '
36. I take pictures of landscape/sunsets/trees..thing
s that never mattered much to me before.
37. When I catch myself judging someone...I ask myself what is it about me that I am insecure about or afraid of.
38. I am not about getting even anymore. After a circumstance, I reflect and wonder what I could do to change it for the future. What can I change in myself to have better outcomes.
39. I write constantly.
40. I love love love love this year. It has brought about many victories and tons of self-exploration. A change will do ya good..and I am ever so grateful for my sobriety and the experience to really examine myself. I am far from "there"..but I am a work in progress..and I love learning and going back in time..forgiving myself for the past and learning how to create a better future.
MOST IMPORTANTLY..I have a relationship with my God of my understanding.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
210 Days...and 209 Nights.
Hello,
My name is Jody and I am an alcoholic. I am celebrating 7 mos of sobriety. My last drink was on May 8th of 2010. It has been an intense roller coaster many days but I can tell you from the pit of my soul, this has been the most exciting journey I have ever experienced.
Learning how to deal with day to day life sober is like learning how to walk. I don't know if many people can relate if you have never been co-dependent on a substance..but it is no different than needing food each day.
Before I got sober, I never felt pain, never dealt with a break up, never recovered from rejection, never dealt with my parents divorce, day to day experiences, never liked or loved myself or even had FUN. Fun at a bar was just a cover up for what was really going on...on the inside.
Being sober has taught me to face things head on...and to walk through the pain and learning experiences.
I tried to bring another alcoholic with me on my journey..who I was dating. It was traumatizing to be sober and leave that world that I knew so well...as well as bring him along knowing it was only slippery slope for me..and heart breaking to leave him in my dust. I can't save anyone. It has been quite a challenge to learn that. Hell, some days I can barely save myself.
But..after these past 7 mos..I have only had a few times where I really really wanted to drink..then I thought of the outcome and how far I have come and that was enough to keep me sober in that moment and for the rest of the day.
It is scary to take on things in life and suffer with zero numbing mechanisms...but I have learned to do things differently now.
Now...I am aware that suffering momentarily only means some major growth is to come..I LOVE THAT...
I take responsibility for the pain I have welcomed in my life...for the bad choices I have made. Nothing happens by mistake. I have welcomed everything in that I have gone through. Now, it is up to me to change my patterns..walk away from toxic relationships, nurture my soul and TAKE CARE OF MYSELF...
I was in a recovery program for about 6 mos..but have chose to have a healthy active life..not on my own..but with my friends/family and support systems I have throughout my life.
After all, in the end it's just me and my man above....
"Our first and last love is self love."
My name is Jody and I am an alcoholic. I am celebrating 7 mos of sobriety. My last drink was on May 8th of 2010. It has been an intense roller coaster many days but I can tell you from the pit of my soul, this has been the most exciting journey I have ever experienced.
Learning how to deal with day to day life sober is like learning how to walk. I don't know if many people can relate if you have never been co-dependent on a substance..but it is no different than needing food each day.
Before I got sober, I never felt pain, never dealt with a break up, never recovered from rejection, never dealt with my parents divorce, day to day experiences, never liked or loved myself or even had FUN. Fun at a bar was just a cover up for what was really going on...on the inside.
Being sober has taught me to face things head on...and to walk through the pain and learning experiences.
I tried to bring another alcoholic with me on my journey..who I was dating. It was traumatizing to be sober and leave that world that I knew so well...as well as bring him along knowing it was only slippery slope for me..and heart breaking to leave him in my dust. I can't save anyone. It has been quite a challenge to learn that. Hell, some days I can barely save myself.
But..after these past 7 mos..I have only had a few times where I really really wanted to drink..then I thought of the outcome and how far I have come and that was enough to keep me sober in that moment and for the rest of the day.
It is scary to take on things in life and suffer with zero numbing mechanisms...but I have learned to do things differently now.
Now...I am aware that suffering momentarily only means some major growth is to come..I LOVE THAT...
I take responsibility for the pain I have welcomed in my life...for the bad choices I have made. Nothing happens by mistake. I have welcomed everything in that I have gone through. Now, it is up to me to change my patterns..walk away from toxic relationships, nurture my soul and TAKE CARE OF MYSELF...
I was in a recovery program for about 6 mos..but have chose to have a healthy active life..not on my own..but with my friends/family and support systems I have throughout my life.
After all, in the end it's just me and my man above....
"Our first and last love is self love."
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Acceptance
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in my me and in my attitudes."
-Alcoholics Anonymoush
I find that when I take myself out of the way of God's plan for me..I have a more peaceful and satisfying day. When I try to direct others, or expect others to act how Jody wants them to act..then I am interfering with the natural plan of my man above. I try to remember to pray that I can be of service to someone each day, help someone out, find some serenity and let Go and LET GOD. I am powerless over all people, places and things. I have no business even worrying about the outcome of others or how they will treat me etc. I can only control one thing. And that is my ATTITUDE.
I also liked this: Hit home for me..thought I would share
EXPECTATIONS
"Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of Max and other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But when my "rights" try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my "rights," as well as my expectations by asking myself, How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And when I place more value on my serenity than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher level---at least for the time being."
-Alcoholics Anonymous
I find myself setting too high of standards for myself--standards that I cannot meet. I would like to climb to the top of the mountain...but I can't set out on Monday and get to the top my very first time. I must allow myself room for error and growth. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. That perception is a very tough standard to live up to. I felt like a failure after Boxing lesson NUMBER ONE. I could not keep up with the intensity for the full hour. I expected I would be able to. I am really trying to just be grateful for what I CAN DO, allow myself to learn, not berate myself for "failing." I have never failed. You have never failed. It is just a lesson. We are all here to learn and do our very best. That's all anyone can ask for.
Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to do be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me. I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I've never had it so good.
Thank GOD!
-Alcoholics Anonymoush
I find that when I take myself out of the way of God's plan for me..I have a more peaceful and satisfying day. When I try to direct others, or expect others to act how Jody wants them to act..then I am interfering with the natural plan of my man above. I try to remember to pray that I can be of service to someone each day, help someone out, find some serenity and let Go and LET GOD. I am powerless over all people, places and things. I have no business even worrying about the outcome of others or how they will treat me etc. I can only control one thing. And that is my ATTITUDE.
I also liked this: Hit home for me..thought I would share
EXPECTATIONS
"Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of Max and other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But when my "rights" try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my "rights," as well as my expectations by asking myself, How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And when I place more value on my serenity than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher level---at least for the time being."
-Alcoholics Anonymous
I find myself setting too high of standards for myself--standards that I cannot meet. I would like to climb to the top of the mountain...but I can't set out on Monday and get to the top my very first time. I must allow myself room for error and growth. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person. That perception is a very tough standard to live up to. I felt like a failure after Boxing lesson NUMBER ONE. I could not keep up with the intensity for the full hour. I expected I would be able to. I am really trying to just be grateful for what I CAN DO, allow myself to learn, not berate myself for "failing." I have never failed. You have never failed. It is just a lesson. We are all here to learn and do our very best. That's all anyone can ask for.
Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to do be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me. I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I've never had it so good.
Thank GOD!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Dry Drunk and Anniversaries
From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
"Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time." As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I am willing. But am I supposed to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"
Lately I feel like I have been have lots of feelings and mostly actions of a dry drunk. I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary and it is very "normal" to have strong feelings/emotions/actions towards the actual date. I have had erie times during all my sobriety anniversaries. Without fail, it always happens.
HOW I FEEL
I feel like I have been on a drinking bender for a week straight. I am tired, lonely, agitated, anxious, nervous, remorseful, regretful, depressed, sad and wanting to find a way out of my own head. I want a break. I feel like I should be doing or feeling better. I feel like I have expired all of my resources. I am anxious to feel like a sober person. I am not even sure how sober people feel. I don't feel like one at all. I wonder when the time will come that I will not act out of rage, or want to run someone off the road that cuts me off, or feel sorry for myself when someone doesn't love me how I EXPECT them to, or when I will stop eating every sugary thing in site because my body is craving sugar at an unstoppable rate.
I find it very easy to addiction transfer. If I can't have alcohol, then I allow myself to behave in other abusive ways. My sugar addiction is way out of hand. I go on walks all the time to try to escape my own head. My head is my biggest enemy. I fight it all the time. I have endless debates with myself. I cast judgment on myself whether I should trust myself or sit in fear and allow time to pass.
Leaving alcohol behind is like learning to walk again. I have never dealt with rage, pain, hurt feelings, sadness, loneliness, anger, resentment, pride etc. without the numbing effects of alcohol. Any time I felt out of control, slip myself a drink and the power was within me...or so I thought.
I feel like my past is haunting me. How will I ever learn to trust another male figure in my life? First and foremost, how will I learn to trust my own judgment? Will I let someone in that close again? Will I forgive myself for my reckless past? Can I be trusted? Am I really loyal and honest as I claim? I don't even know what real love is. I have never had someone buy me dinner or take me on a date because they loved me. I have never wanted anyone to really love me. I am scared of love. I can look back and see the drama I have created to push someone right out the door as soon as they got near.
My past is a big spider web. Each thread bears a different part...some good..some bad..and some that needs to stay right where it is. Each thread will take some time to unravel. I can see the light at the end of this road..I am just in the midst and anxious to get out of it. I want to feel SOBER. I want to feel new and ready to take on the world.
Dry drunks have let go of the booze but still hold onto old ways. I want to let go of my old ways. I will. One day at a time. I am just anxious and more than willing. When I am out of control in my own head..I want the ability to rationalize..and think...to be positive and just LET GO. I am sick of fighting a good fight..hanging on to people, things, situations that only drag me down. I want the talent to be selfless, yet take care of myself first.
I guess I just feel somewhat overwhelmed with my project..which is MYSELF.
"Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time." As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I am willing. But am I supposed to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"
Lately I feel like I have been have lots of feelings and mostly actions of a dry drunk. I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary and it is very "normal" to have strong feelings/emotions/actions towards the actual date. I have had erie times during all my sobriety anniversaries. Without fail, it always happens.
HOW I FEEL
I feel like I have been on a drinking bender for a week straight. I am tired, lonely, agitated, anxious, nervous, remorseful, regretful, depressed, sad and wanting to find a way out of my own head. I want a break. I feel like I should be doing or feeling better. I feel like I have expired all of my resources. I am anxious to feel like a sober person. I am not even sure how sober people feel. I don't feel like one at all. I wonder when the time will come that I will not act out of rage, or want to run someone off the road that cuts me off, or feel sorry for myself when someone doesn't love me how I EXPECT them to, or when I will stop eating every sugary thing in site because my body is craving sugar at an unstoppable rate.
I find it very easy to addiction transfer. If I can't have alcohol, then I allow myself to behave in other abusive ways. My sugar addiction is way out of hand. I go on walks all the time to try to escape my own head. My head is my biggest enemy. I fight it all the time. I have endless debates with myself. I cast judgment on myself whether I should trust myself or sit in fear and allow time to pass.
Leaving alcohol behind is like learning to walk again. I have never dealt with rage, pain, hurt feelings, sadness, loneliness, anger, resentment, pride etc. without the numbing effects of alcohol. Any time I felt out of control, slip myself a drink and the power was within me...or so I thought.
I feel like my past is haunting me. How will I ever learn to trust another male figure in my life? First and foremost, how will I learn to trust my own judgment? Will I let someone in that close again? Will I forgive myself for my reckless past? Can I be trusted? Am I really loyal and honest as I claim? I don't even know what real love is. I have never had someone buy me dinner or take me on a date because they loved me. I have never wanted anyone to really love me. I am scared of love. I can look back and see the drama I have created to push someone right out the door as soon as they got near.
My past is a big spider web. Each thread bears a different part...some good..some bad..and some that needs to stay right where it is. Each thread will take some time to unravel. I can see the light at the end of this road..I am just in the midst and anxious to get out of it. I want to feel SOBER. I want to feel new and ready to take on the world.
Dry drunks have let go of the booze but still hold onto old ways. I want to let go of my old ways. I will. One day at a time. I am just anxious and more than willing. When I am out of control in my own head..I want the ability to rationalize..and think...to be positive and just LET GO. I am sick of fighting a good fight..hanging on to people, things, situations that only drag me down. I want the talent to be selfless, yet take care of myself first.
I guess I just feel somewhat overwhelmed with my project..which is MYSELF.
Monday, October 25, 2010
One Day at a Time
This comes from my book "Twenty-Four Hours a Day"
"I have learned to live one day at a time. I have finally realized the great fact that all I have is now. This sweeps away all vain regret and it makes my thoughts of the future free of fear. I own it, for better or worse, What I do now, in this present moment, is what makes up my life. My whole life is only a succession of nows. I will take this moment, which has been given to me by the grace o God, and I will do something with it. What I do with each now, will make me or break me. Am I living in the now?
We should work at overcoming ourselves, our selfish desires and our self-centeredness. This can never be full accomplished. We can never become entirely unselfish. But we can come to realize that we are not at the center of the universe and that everything does not revolve around us at the center. I am only one cell in a vast network of human cells. I can at least make the effort to conquer the self-life and seek daily to obtain more and more of this self-conquest. "He who overcomes himself is greater than he who conquers a city."
I think this has a lot to do with many areas of our lives..but can be used in the conquest to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle. All too often, if I eat badly, I think the whole day is shot...or I am a failure. I can easily get in the mindset that I will always be an overeater...or never get control of my life.
When I take my journey just one day at a time..It allows for a fresh new mindset the very next meal or day. I did not gain weight over night. I did not create a new lifestyle over night. But each day at a time trying hard to re gain control and start anew adds up to big victories.
Whether I was born an alcoholic or not remains unknown but I did take on the alcoholic lifestyle the moment I had my first drink. I remember it all too clearly. I loved alcohol. I loved the feelings it gave me. I was powerful. No one mattered to me. Nothing made me forget reality like alcohol did. To banish the ball and chain of alcohol takes one day at a time as well...one hour to one day and on to the next. I heard someone say, "If you can't solve the problem today..then don't do anything about it TODAY." So, if something is bothering me, or I am worrying about Wednesday and it is only Monday...be present. Live for today. Do what I can to make today the best it can BE.
We are better than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives, we will be unwilling to settle for less.
-- Anonymous
We are wonderful, capable human beings worthy of love and happiness. We all have a gift to give the world that can't be duplicated. No one else is exactly like us.
The problem is, we don't believe it. We are used to thinking about all our negative qualities and become expert at putting ourselves down. We have a hard time believing and accepting our own goodness and gifts.
When we have a negative attitude, only one person can change it - us. We have the power to choose to change our thinking - if we want to. It takes a courageous person to risk getting positive and hopeful. Getting sober is evidence enough that we have that courage.
Today let me believe I am better than I know
"Acceptance is giving ourselves and others the ability to just BE."
-louise hay
"I have learned to live one day at a time. I have finally realized the great fact that all I have is now. This sweeps away all vain regret and it makes my thoughts of the future free of fear. I own it, for better or worse, What I do now, in this present moment, is what makes up my life. My whole life is only a succession of nows. I will take this moment, which has been given to me by the grace o God, and I will do something with it. What I do with each now, will make me or break me. Am I living in the now?
We should work at overcoming ourselves, our selfish desires and our self-centeredness. This can never be full accomplished. We can never become entirely unselfish. But we can come to realize that we are not at the center of the universe and that everything does not revolve around us at the center. I am only one cell in a vast network of human cells. I can at least make the effort to conquer the self-life and seek daily to obtain more and more of this self-conquest. "He who overcomes himself is greater than he who conquers a city."
I think this has a lot to do with many areas of our lives..but can be used in the conquest to lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle. All too often, if I eat badly, I think the whole day is shot...or I am a failure. I can easily get in the mindset that I will always be an overeater...or never get control of my life.
When I take my journey just one day at a time..It allows for a fresh new mindset the very next meal or day. I did not gain weight over night. I did not create a new lifestyle over night. But each day at a time trying hard to re gain control and start anew adds up to big victories.
Whether I was born an alcoholic or not remains unknown but I did take on the alcoholic lifestyle the moment I had my first drink. I remember it all too clearly. I loved alcohol. I loved the feelings it gave me. I was powerful. No one mattered to me. Nothing made me forget reality like alcohol did. To banish the ball and chain of alcohol takes one day at a time as well...one hour to one day and on to the next. I heard someone say, "If you can't solve the problem today..then don't do anything about it TODAY." So, if something is bothering me, or I am worrying about Wednesday and it is only Monday...be present. Live for today. Do what I can to make today the best it can BE.
We are better than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives, we will be unwilling to settle for less.
-- Anonymous
We are wonderful, capable human beings worthy of love and happiness. We all have a gift to give the world that can't be duplicated. No one else is exactly like us.
The problem is, we don't believe it. We are used to thinking about all our negative qualities and become expert at putting ourselves down. We have a hard time believing and accepting our own goodness and gifts.
When we have a negative attitude, only one person can change it - us. We have the power to choose to change our thinking - if we want to. It takes a courageous person to risk getting positive and hopeful. Getting sober is evidence enough that we have that courage.
Today let me believe I am better than I know
"Acceptance is giving ourselves and others the ability to just BE."
-louise hay
Friday, September 24, 2010
What it Was Like...
Today, I attended a noon meeting at my home group. I have really been wanting to share my story lately. I think it helps in sobriety. I don't know but I wanted to share..and I got asked today. I was extremely nervous but I did it. I had everyone laughing a lot...and I saw a lot of nods throughout my story..and I really love that. It means you are connecting with someone on the same level. They "get it"...and that's a really comforting feeling.
I am happy I got to share!
Happy weekend...I have lots planned. Meeting tonight again..
I usually treat myself to a spa day/night at my gym..on the weekends..which means I swim, sit in hot tub, sauna and steam room. I plan to do that tonight after my meeting. I am meeting my sponsor at the pm meeting. Saturday, I plan to go to a free Reiki massage (healing speaker/massage) then to a speaker meeting at my home group and who knows what else.
That's all folks! Have a happy healthy weekend!!
When in doubt..choose peace.
:)
I am happy I got to share!
Happy weekend...I have lots planned. Meeting tonight again..
I usually treat myself to a spa day/night at my gym..on the weekends..which means I swim, sit in hot tub, sauna and steam room. I plan to do that tonight after my meeting. I am meeting my sponsor at the pm meeting. Saturday, I plan to go to a free Reiki massage (healing speaker/massage) then to a speaker meeting at my home group and who knows what else.
That's all folks! Have a happy healthy weekend!!
When in doubt..choose peace.
:)
Grow With the Flow
Awareness
"It's exhilarating to be alive in a time of awakening consciousness; it can also be confusing, disorienting, and painful."
-Adrienne Rich
Our spiritual pursuits open up our awareness to everything - and sometimes that can be difficult when emotions come to the surface, and stress bubbles up and away. When we know that this is all temporary, and a part of the process, we can observe its happening without allowing it to get us caught up in the drama of it all. We can focus on the big picture - we can see what is truly important, truly real. It is exhilarating, and liberating!
-Lissa Coffey
I believe it is important to be aware. Awareness allows me to be constantly ready for change. I learn more about myself when I can see myself from outside of myself. I can take a step back and see what is really going on. I can see why I react rather than respond to people, situations and circumstances. My goal is to respond rather than to react. Reacting is quick and thoughtless. Reacting comes with consequences, whether the consequences are an immediate reaction from another person or an emotional consequence that I am left to deal with. Responding includes a thought process, taking a step back and evaluating my actions and the possible outcome.
Without awareness, I am given permission to dwell on the negatives, think this is how life is, continue to invite myself to my own pity parties, and not learn to grow with the flow.
I am aware that I have more patience. I experience it quite often. People are put in my daily path that irritate me, are rude, inconsistent to my new healthy life, and just flat out have potential to put me into rage. I am aware that people will never change. I must change. I must be able to accept life on life's terms...and to bend not break.
We all have the capabilities to create how peaceful our day will be. Our brains can only hold one thought at a time. If our mind is full of negativity then that is what will be the outcome for that moment. We can change each moment with a positive thought. We also cannot give away what we don't have. Until we love ourselves unconditionally, we cannot give away love to others. That is so huge to me. I have struggled with unhealthy relationships all of my life. Now that I have learned this concept, it all makes sense. My relationship with myself has been unhealthy. The people I have a attracted are a reflection of myself.
Awareness allows for me to see that I do not want to attract unhealthy, unloving relationships anymore. Working on the love for myself is a daily awareness. I have noticed changes from this though. I love my job. I love the kids I watch. They are so kind and loving it is unreal. I believe I have attracted this family because of the new found love I have for myself.
What you put out there, you get back. If you send out love, forgiveness, hope and kindness, the universe will return it you in more ways than you can imagine.
Be aware. Learn from your own changes and your own experiences.
Each day is new. That is the best part of learning and growing.
A new day. A new way.
"It's exhilarating to be alive in a time of awakening consciousness; it can also be confusing, disorienting, and painful."
-Adrienne Rich
Our spiritual pursuits open up our awareness to everything - and sometimes that can be difficult when emotions come to the surface, and stress bubbles up and away. When we know that this is all temporary, and a part of the process, we can observe its happening without allowing it to get us caught up in the drama of it all. We can focus on the big picture - we can see what is truly important, truly real. It is exhilarating, and liberating!
-Lissa Coffey
I believe it is important to be aware. Awareness allows me to be constantly ready for change. I learn more about myself when I can see myself from outside of myself. I can take a step back and see what is really going on. I can see why I react rather than respond to people, situations and circumstances. My goal is to respond rather than to react. Reacting is quick and thoughtless. Reacting comes with consequences, whether the consequences are an immediate reaction from another person or an emotional consequence that I am left to deal with. Responding includes a thought process, taking a step back and evaluating my actions and the possible outcome.
Without awareness, I am given permission to dwell on the negatives, think this is how life is, continue to invite myself to my own pity parties, and not learn to grow with the flow.
I am aware that I have more patience. I experience it quite often. People are put in my daily path that irritate me, are rude, inconsistent to my new healthy life, and just flat out have potential to put me into rage. I am aware that people will never change. I must change. I must be able to accept life on life's terms...and to bend not break.
We all have the capabilities to create how peaceful our day will be. Our brains can only hold one thought at a time. If our mind is full of negativity then that is what will be the outcome for that moment. We can change each moment with a positive thought. We also cannot give away what we don't have. Until we love ourselves unconditionally, we cannot give away love to others. That is so huge to me. I have struggled with unhealthy relationships all of my life. Now that I have learned this concept, it all makes sense. My relationship with myself has been unhealthy. The people I have a attracted are a reflection of myself.
Awareness allows for me to see that I do not want to attract unhealthy, unloving relationships anymore. Working on the love for myself is a daily awareness. I have noticed changes from this though. I love my job. I love the kids I watch. They are so kind and loving it is unreal. I believe I have attracted this family because of the new found love I have for myself.
What you put out there, you get back. If you send out love, forgiveness, hope and kindness, the universe will return it you in more ways than you can imagine.
Be aware. Learn from your own changes and your own experiences.
Each day is new. That is the best part of learning and growing.
A new day. A new way.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Goals
I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.
-jimmy dean
Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the directions I want my life to take. I have had no plan. Too much to do makes me overwhelmed and too little to do makes me feel the same way. I have been sober now for almost 5 months. The struggles that I currently face are the hatred for sobriety. It is a love/hate. I am grateful for my sobriety..but I am resentful of the life I have currently created.
I have found that I am back in a comfort zone of lonliness and misery. It is self-inflicted, of course. I have always been comfortable with the same routine, the same pain, and the same direction.
It is hard to put into words how I feel..but I shall try. Instead of moving forward in my program, utilizing my AA tools, getting active, meeting new people, etc..I have slipped back into a routine of lonliness and an attitude that, "well I guess this is what sobriety is all about..better get used to it." As a former heavy drinker, I got used to the pain of the way people treated me, broken relationships, fair-weather friendships and it made no difference to me. It is all I knew. I just drank and temporarily the problems were solved. At least, I thought they were.
Now, sober and trying to move forward, it is a whole different story. The urge to drink has subsided, but the empty feelings, the lonliness have kicked in full force lately. I have allowed myself to slip back into my old ways. The only difference is, I am not drinking. Some would say, that is a big deal. It is not. The no drinking is good, yes...but the behaviors I have taken on lately and thoughts are not productive nor are they healthy.
I find myself resenting AA. I feel like I belong to a group that doesn't have fun, that is secluded from my old friends, my old ways and life patterns.
I sometimes feel if I submerge myself in too deep into my program, then I have no excuse when I fuck up or have thoughts of drinking, or self-sabotaging behaviors. I sometimes find myself afraid to be OKAY...afraid to be relieved of fear and afraid to rely on my higher power for protection and peace. I linger in the lonliness and negative thoughts because in a sick way, it is comfortable. It has a very big safety net for me.
When I know I should go to a meeting, is when I stay home for days and days and do NOT go. I am learning the hard way but I always have. I have always allowed myself to be beat to almost death until I realized ENOUGH is ENOUGH. My threshold for pain is very high..mostly for self-inflicted mental abuse.
I skipped meetings for 12 days recently. That did a huge toll on my mental health and sanity. I realize this. I went to a meeting yesterday. I felt so rejuvenated, refreshed and ready to tackle new goals, get back into my program full force and make more changes to better myself. The only way for me to fully recover is to get out of my head. Reach out. Help out. Stop my mental chatter. Stop the pity parties. Stop the ISOLATION.
I have to keep in mind that people will always let me down..my higher power will not.
I have all the tools I need to get out of this mental mess...I just have to do it. For me, a plan is needed and needs to be put into action as well.
My plan of action is this:
Have a daily GOAL list (can just be as simple as go to a meeting, go to the gym, etc.)
Go to at least THREE meetings a week
Reach out to someone daily in or out of my program-see how they are doing..how is THEIR life
Have a MONTHLY Goal list:
OCTOBER:
Find a small race to run
Find a place to volunteer and commit to it
Get a service commitment in my program
2 days a week change up my workout routine (cardio)
Attend 3 meetings weekly
Meet up with someone in/out of program once a week
That is all I have for now....
-jimmy dean
Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the directions I want my life to take. I have had no plan. Too much to do makes me overwhelmed and too little to do makes me feel the same way. I have been sober now for almost 5 months. The struggles that I currently face are the hatred for sobriety. It is a love/hate. I am grateful for my sobriety..but I am resentful of the life I have currently created.
I have found that I am back in a comfort zone of lonliness and misery. It is self-inflicted, of course. I have always been comfortable with the same routine, the same pain, and the same direction.
It is hard to put into words how I feel..but I shall try. Instead of moving forward in my program, utilizing my AA tools, getting active, meeting new people, etc..I have slipped back into a routine of lonliness and an attitude that, "well I guess this is what sobriety is all about..better get used to it." As a former heavy drinker, I got used to the pain of the way people treated me, broken relationships, fair-weather friendships and it made no difference to me. It is all I knew. I just drank and temporarily the problems were solved. At least, I thought they were.
Now, sober and trying to move forward, it is a whole different story. The urge to drink has subsided, but the empty feelings, the lonliness have kicked in full force lately. I have allowed myself to slip back into my old ways. The only difference is, I am not drinking. Some would say, that is a big deal. It is not. The no drinking is good, yes...but the behaviors I have taken on lately and thoughts are not productive nor are they healthy.
I find myself resenting AA. I feel like I belong to a group that doesn't have fun, that is secluded from my old friends, my old ways and life patterns.
I sometimes feel if I submerge myself in too deep into my program, then I have no excuse when I fuck up or have thoughts of drinking, or self-sabotaging behaviors. I sometimes find myself afraid to be OKAY...afraid to be relieved of fear and afraid to rely on my higher power for protection and peace. I linger in the lonliness and negative thoughts because in a sick way, it is comfortable. It has a very big safety net for me.
When I know I should go to a meeting, is when I stay home for days and days and do NOT go. I am learning the hard way but I always have. I have always allowed myself to be beat to almost death until I realized ENOUGH is ENOUGH. My threshold for pain is very high..mostly for self-inflicted mental abuse.
I skipped meetings for 12 days recently. That did a huge toll on my mental health and sanity. I realize this. I went to a meeting yesterday. I felt so rejuvenated, refreshed and ready to tackle new goals, get back into my program full force and make more changes to better myself. The only way for me to fully recover is to get out of my head. Reach out. Help out. Stop my mental chatter. Stop the pity parties. Stop the ISOLATION.
I have to keep in mind that people will always let me down..my higher power will not.
I have all the tools I need to get out of this mental mess...I just have to do it. For me, a plan is needed and needs to be put into action as well.
My plan of action is this:
Have a daily GOAL list (can just be as simple as go to a meeting, go to the gym, etc.)
Go to at least THREE meetings a week
Reach out to someone daily in or out of my program-see how they are doing..how is THEIR life
Have a MONTHLY Goal list:
OCTOBER:
Find a small race to run
Find a place to volunteer and commit to it
Get a service commitment in my program
2 days a week change up my workout routine (cardio)
Attend 3 meetings weekly
Meet up with someone in/out of program once a week
That is all I have for now....
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