Dry Drunk and Anniversaries

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

"Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time."  As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.

We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I am willing. But am I supposed to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?"

Lately I feel like I have been have lots of feelings and mostly actions of a dry drunk. I am coming up on my 6 month anniversary and it is very "normal" to have strong feelings/emotions/actions towards the actual date. I have had erie times during all my sobriety anniversaries. Without fail, it always happens.

HOW I FEEL


I feel like I have been on a drinking bender for a week straight. I am tired, lonely, agitated, anxious, nervous, remorseful, regretful, depressed, sad and wanting to find a way out of my own head. I want a break. I feel like I should be doing or feeling better. I feel like I have expired all of my resources. I am anxious to feel like a sober person. I am not even sure how sober people feel. I don't feel like one at all. I wonder when the time will come that I will not act out of rage, or want to run someone off the road that cuts me off, or feel sorry for myself when someone doesn't love me how I EXPECT them to, or when I will stop eating every sugary thing in site because my body is craving sugar at an unstoppable rate.

I find it very easy to addiction transfer. If I can't have alcohol, then I allow myself to behave in other abusive ways. My sugar addiction is way out of hand. I go on walks all the time to try to escape my own head. My head is my biggest enemy. I fight it all the time. I have endless debates with myself. I cast judgment on myself whether I should trust myself or sit in fear and allow time to pass.

Leaving alcohol behind is like learning to walk again. I have never dealt with rage, pain, hurt feelings, sadness, loneliness, anger, resentment, pride etc. without the numbing effects of alcohol. Any time I felt out of control, slip myself a drink and the power was within me...or so I thought.

I feel like my past is haunting me. How will I ever learn to trust another male figure in my life? First and foremost, how will I learn to trust my own judgment? Will I let someone in that close again? Will I forgive myself for my reckless past? Can I be trusted? Am I really loyal and honest as I claim? I don't even know what real love is. I have never had someone buy me dinner or take me on a date because they loved me. I have never wanted anyone to really love me. I am scared of love. I can look back and see the drama I have created to push someone right out the door as soon as they got near.

My past is a big spider web. Each thread bears a different part...some good..some bad..and some that needs to stay right where it is. Each thread will take some time to unravel. I can see the light at the end of this road..I am just in the midst and anxious to get out of it. I want to feel SOBER. I want to feel new and ready to take on the world.

Dry drunks have let go of the booze but still hold onto old ways. I want to let go of my old ways. I will. One day at a time. I am just anxious and more than willing.  When I am out of control in my own head..I want the ability to rationalize..and think...to be positive and just LET GO. I am sick of fighting a good fight..hanging on to people, things, situations that only drag me down. I want the talent to be selfless, yet take care of myself first.

I guess I just feel somewhat overwhelmed with my project..which is MYSELF.